Recognise the signs

Quick exit

Domestic and Family Violence and Abuse is not always physical. It can include patterns of behaviour that:

  • Make a person feel scared.
  • May involve threats against the person, their children and pets.
  • Removes their power and control (for example, the right to make decisions for themselves).

Signs you may be experiencing abuse

Emotional or psychological

Putting you down. Using disrespectful language. Making jokes at your expense. Undermining your parenting skills. Threatening to cancel your visa or have you deported.

Gaslighting

This is a form of emotional abuse. It involves someone manipulating you to make you doubt your own sanity or perception, including what you see or hear.

Financial

Controlling how you spend money. Forbidding you from working. Limiting amount of petrol in the car.

Physical

Punching, slapping or shaking you. Damaging property to scare you, for example punching holes in walls. Hurting your children or pets.

Reproductive

This is when you are stopped from making choices about your reproductive system. Examples: forcing you to become pregnant, hiding your birth control.

Sexual

Physical abuse such as rape or forced sexual acts. Non-physical abuse, for example saying you are only good for sex.

Social

Dictating who you can and can't spend time with. Isolating you from your friends and family.

Spiritual

Disrespecting your religious beliefs. Not letting you practice your faith.

Technological

Using phones, computers or social media to control, embarrass or demean you. Monitoring your communication without your knowledge, for example through location services on smart phones and apps.

Strangulation

Trying to strangle or choke you. If this happens to you SEEK URGENT MEDICAL ATTENTION if you experience any of the following:

  • Difficulty breathing, speaking, swallowing
  • Nausea, vomiting
  • Light-headedness
  • Headache
  • Loss of bladder and/or bowel control

View the Understanding domestic and family violence booklet(PDF, 5MB) for more information.

Signs someone you know is experiencing abuse

Quick exit

Is someone you know experiencing abuse? They may be if they are displaying any of these behaviours. 

Family and friends

  • Seems afraid of their partner or someone close to them.
  • Tries to hide bruises, for example by wearing long sleeves in summer or giving unlikely explanations for injuries.
  • Has little or no say about how money is spent.
  • Stops seeing friends and family and becomes isolated.
  • Becomes depressed, unusually quiet or loses confidence.
  • Shows signs of neglect if they are older or have a disability.
  • Has a partner who frequently accuses them of cheating or continually checks up on them.
  • Is reluctant to leave their children with their partner.
  • Suspects they are being stalked or followed.

Neighbours

  • Have you noticed sustained, aggressive arguments coming from your neighbour’s home?

Work colleagues

  • Frequent absence, lateness or needing to leave work early.
  • Misses deadlines or drop in usual performance standards.
  • Receiving repeated upsetting phone calls/emails/texts.
  • Employee staying at work beyond what is reasonable.
  • Appearing withdrawn and isolated.
  • Being obsessed with time or needing to always leave on time.
  • Changes in make-up used or clothes worn (to hide injuries).
  • Partner stalking work colleague around the workplace.
  • Partner seems controlling over work schedule – for example, dropping partner off and picking them up from work.

Other signs

  • Homelessness or housing instability - for example, frequently moving accommodation (this is an isolation technique).
  • Substance abuse (drug and alcohol) in either the person experiencing abuse or the person using abuse.

Signs someone you know is using abuse in their relationship

Quick exit

What a person using abuse may say

  • Talks about using behaviours in their relationship that indicate a type of violence or abuse
  • Describes excessively jealous behaviours and control over their partner, for example “I like to know where they are at all times”
  • Uses sexist or misogynistic attitudes or comments.

Behaviours a person using abuse may display

  • Speaks for their partner, interrupts them, corrects them, doesn’t let them talk, diminishes them, tries to make decisions for them
  • Justifies or minimises their partner’s injuries or psychological states, which may be due to situations of violence
  • Blames partner for their problems
  • Shows difficulty managing anxiety and stress. Has mood swings and/or raises their voice
  • Shows a threatening non-verbal attitude or gestures that invade their partner’s space
  • Acts violently or abusively towards their partner at any time
  • Tries to manipulate or control their partner
  • Shows demeaning and aggressive attitudes towards women
  • Accuses partner of being the trigger of the conflict or denies there is any conflict.

This list does not imply that everyone who shows some of these attributes is a person who uses abuse or is a potential abuser.

Signs that you may be using a form of abuse in your relationships

Quick exit

Do you use any of the following behaviours (either alone or combined) in your family or intimate relationships?

  • Any form of physical violence, intimidation or assault – including unwanted sexual activity
  • Emotional and psychological means to control another person’s behaviour – name-calling, belittling, continuous criticism or exclusion
  • Threaten and put pressure on another person – for example, threatening to leave, to harm yourself, or not support the family
  • Restrict another’s behaviour. Examples: Going everywhere with them, questioning what they have been doing, stopping them from contacting family or friends, isolating them from support, dictating what they can or cannot do
  • Exhibit negative behaviour when faced with stress in your life, including family disagreements, or when you have been drinking or using drugs
  • Justify your violent and abusive behaviour by saying or feeling any of the following:
    • "I wasn't being abusive." This may indicate denial.
    • "I only pushed them, they weren't hurt." This may indicate minimising impact. 
    • "If they stopped annoying me, I wouldn't have had to do it." This may indicate justification.
    • "It's not my fault," or "I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment." This may indicate blaming others.
    • "I didn't know what I was doing," or "I was drunk." This may indicate deflecting responsibility.
    • "I don't know why I hit them." This may indicate avoidance.

If you identify with any of the above, you have taken the first step. It is now time to take responsibility for your actions and control your behaviour. Help and support is available for you and your family. Reach out for support.