Reach out for support

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Talking to someone about your abuse

People who have experienced domestic and family violence say the most helpful thing was getting support from someone else. Talking about the abuse and how you feel can help you decide what to do.

Who can I talk to?

You can talk to:

  • Family and friends
  • Counselling or outreach services.

They won’t judge you, and they will take all forms of abuse seriously. They will respect your choices, including whether you leave or stay with your partner.

See Where to get help for details of services you can contact for support.

Talking to someone else about their abuse

If you see or hear physical violence, or are worried family member, friend or neighbour may be in an emergency situation, call the police on 000.

If you are concerned that someone you know may be experiencing abuse in their relationship:

  • Approach the person about your concerns.
  • Only start a conversation with the person if they are alone, in a place where it is safe to speak, and you have enough time to talk about the issue.
  • Explore what you have seen, heard or felt. Questions such as "I am worried about you because I don't get to see you often anymore" or "You look unhappy lately" can help.
  • Believe what the person tells you. They may downplay the abuse rather than exaggerate it.
  • Try not to offer advice about what you would do, and do not tell people what to do. Instead listen without judgement and help them explore options that are available.
  • Let them know you care and ask how you can help.
  • Explain that the person using abuse is responsible for their behaviour and not them. The person experiencing abuse cannot make a person stop being abusive, no matter how hard they try.
  • Do not put the person using abuse down. This can make person experiencing abuse feel isolated and judged and risks them not disclosing more. 

View the How to support someone who is experiencing domestic and/or family violence(PDF, 5MB) booklet.

Talking to someone who may be using abuse

Safety first

Before having a conversation with someone who may be using abuse behaviours in their relationship, put your own and others’ safety first. Discuss your concerns with a third party, and if you decide it is not safe, seek outside help.

To minimise risk to the person’s partner, ex-partner or children:

  • DO NOT make accusations, judgements, or criticise their behaviour.
  • DO NOT mention anything that their partner or ex-partner has said.

Having the conversation

Consider following these steps:

Begin a conversation

  • If you feel it, say “I care about you”. This helps people feel there is hope and that they are not alone.
  • If the talk becomes difficult or either of you becomes angry, stop. Maybe say, "Let’s try again tomorrow but I’m here for you.”

Explore the situation without accusation

  • Talk about what you have seen and heard.
  • State "this is not an accusation".
  • Say you are concerned about the safety of their partner, ex-partner or children.

Ending the first talk

  • This is not a one-time conversation. It may take several attempts for the person to trust you.
  • Keep focused on your concerns.
  • Stay calm.
  • If you are concerned about the safety of the partner, ex-partner or children, seek help from a domestic violence service, Child Protection, and/or the Police.

Debrief

  • You may have learned things that scare you.
  • You may feel guilty about not saying something sooner.
  • You may have more questions you would like to ask.
  • Share what you have discussed with a third party.
  • You may need time to think about what else you want to do.
  • If you don’t have someone to talk to, call one of the helplines for support.

Talking to someone if you are using abuse in a relationship

Is it time for you face up to your hurtful conduct, seek help, and move on to a new chapter in your life?

The world can sometimes feel uncertain, scary and beyond your control. Feeling afraid, worried and depressed are normal responses to difficult situations. These feelings can be harder when you are told to be strong, not show fear, be in control and be responsible for the family.

Responding to these feelings using physical or emotional violence or abuse against a partner, ex-partner or child is not okay. You can choose to respond in a different way.

Help is available to support you to change your behaviour towards your loved ones.

Who can I talk to?

Talk to someone you trust to be supportive:

  • Identify people who want you to succeed or do well, either now or in the past
  • Have a different person depending on the situation, for example you may need:
    • A check-in contact for when you are feeling good and just want to chat.  
    • A worry contact for when you are concerned your feelings or thoughts may escalate into abuse or violence
    • A crisis contact for when you are using abuse or controlling behaviours and other people seem afraid of you.
      View the ‘Choose to Change’ Network Toolkit by the Safe & Together Institute for more information.  
  • Contact a support service
  • Specialist domestic violence service.
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